Zoe Harper: A Birth Story (Part II)

I guess it may seem strange, but one of my favorite hobbies is story-telling. Well, maybe a hobby isn't the best term to use...maybe a pastime of sorts is a better term. Whatever it is...I love to tell a good story. And, even if it's not a good story, I like to make it sound exciting. Lance says I over-exaggerate (he's a more "tell it like it is" person), but I say...I just like to focus on the details. 

With that said...I am going to try my best, in this story, to be very candid and honest about Zoe's birth. I want those, who read this story, to understand the sacrifice and beauty of birth. It is not meant to scare anyone. I am telling it for two reasons: (1) I want Zoe to know how much I love her, how much she means to us, and what it took to bring her into this world (2) I want to empower women. I want women to realize how amazing their bodies are...how strong our minds are...and how great and merciful God is. 

**If you are pregnant, I would not suggest reading this story. Stories like these would make me fearful, when I was pregnant.**

After the 30 minute drive to the hospital, we finally arrived at midnight. Parking was difficult to find, so Lance dropped me in the front. Contractions were now about 5-7 minutes apart and stronger than I had ever experienced. I have no idea why, but my hospital has stairs going up to the front door, to be checked in. I remember looking at those stairs like they were Mt. Rushmore. There was no way I was going to be able to get up there. I could have went around to the handicap ramp, but that too seemed traitorous. I contemplated waiting for Lance, but, who knew how long that would take. I remember telling myself...Jenna, you have to get up these stairs. I pulled myself up the first couple, until the contractions started coming in full force. I could tell they were closer together and stronger. My memory is vague, but I remember people passing me on the stairs. It is sad now to think about it. They just stared at me and passed me by. What if I was really by myself? Nobody even offered to help me up those stairs. It probably took me about 10 minutes to get up those stairs and into the elevator. When I, finally, got to the front desk to check in, Lance had caught up with me (bags in tow). I have no memory of what I said to the triage nurse, but I'm sure she saw the pain in my face. They immediately got me a bed and some clothes to change into. (It was now about 12:30) 

Once I got hooked onto the monitors, my contractions were off the charts and about 2-3 minutes apart. The nurse kept telling me to breathe through the contractions. I really wanted to tell her to shut-up, but the pain was so intense, that I couldn't form any words. The doctor came in and checked me. She said I was 4cm, so they would be keeping me. She ordered my epidural and the nurses drew some blood. At this point, Lance asked me if he should call my parents. I told him I wasn't sure, because I was only at a 4. We both knew my labors were long, and we didn't want people to be waiting for hours. Contractions continued to get worse, so Lance went ahead and called my parents. 

At about 1am, they had a room ready for us. They asked me, if I could walk over there. I said sure. Lance grabbed our stuff and followed the nurse. Another nurse walked with me. The room was literally around the corner, but it took me about 10 min to get there. Contractions were about 1 minute apart. I know this because, I had no time between contractions to rest. I remember during one contraction in the hallway I put my head on the nurses station and just moaned and rocked. The nurse at the desk ask the nurse walking with me how far along was I. My nurse told her...4cm about 1/2 hour ago. All I remember the nurse saying is...no way...she looks like she's about to have that baby. By the time I got to the bed, I was begging my nurse for the epidural. She said they were still waiting on labs, but it would be here shortly. I must have transitioned at this point, because the pain was unbearable. My contractions were right on top of each other. I kept telling the nurse I had to pee. she said...do you have to push or pee? I said pee and she said it's probably the pressure on my bladder. I started tossing and turning. The nurse was trying her best to calm me. But, I could not remain calm. The pain was excruciating. The next thing I know, I jumped out of the bed. The nurse very calmly helped me get back in bed, and reassured me my epidural was coming. I looked over at her and saw her calling the doctor. She must have been nervous, because I could hear her saying...you need to get over here now. The doctor was there in about 30 seconds with 2 other people. I remember her calling my name, telling me to breathe, and checking me. I was now 5cm. By this point, I was in desperation. Soon, my mom walked in and told me she was there. Finally, my knight in shinning armor arrived, just in time, with his epidural cart. I could not have been more happy to see anyone in my life. They asked everyone to leave the room. Lance went down the hall to use the restroom, my mom told my dad I was getting the epidural and if he could go grab her a bite to eat. 

As the team prepped me, I became completely panicked. My contractions were right on top of each other and the pain was so intense that I could not remain still. I cried to the nurse...I don't know how I'm going to do this. I'm getting no break between contractions. You're going to have to she said. She sat me up and leaned me over a pillow. The anesthesiologist took one look ay me and said...I don't know if I can do this. She seems like she's much farther along than a 5. Can someone please check her before I attempt to do this? A doctor came in to check me. After two tries, she could not find my cervix. They called in another doctor. She checked me. Jenna...she said...you are 8cm. The baby's head is right here and your bag is bulging. I can break your bag and you can have this baby right now or you can try for the epidural. I could not even fathom, in my mind, doing this without an epidural. The thought of not having that option never entered my mind. So, I said...I need the epidural. The doctor said ok. She got off the bed and I moved to sit up and get the epidural (2:00am). As soon as I moved...

S P L A S H...

My water broke. All I can recall is people running in the room. And, there, out of the corner of my eye, my knight in shinning armor ran out the door...

...to be continued.

Tourettes: One Year Later

It has been a year now, since my youngest boy, Caleb, was diagnosed with Tourettes Syndrome (TS). So, it seemed fitting to re-cap our first year with TS, including its triumphs and challenges. 

About two years ago, we noticed Caleb making a strange motion with his shoulders (what we now know to be a tic). We pretty much ignored it, because toddlers (he was 2 at the time) make strange movements. We didn't really become concerned with it, until other people started noticing his tics. That's when I started paying more attention. He would move his shoulder up and down and raise his hand multiple times in a row. He seemed to do this mostly when he was excited or nervous. I thought it was strange, but just a weird habit. This went on for almost a year, until we started noticing new tics. He would blink his eyes repeatedly and scrunch his face. I would tell him things like...Caleb, are you ok? Caleb, relax. But, he was two and had no clue what I was talking about. It didn't seem to bother him, so I decided a doctor's visit wasn't necessary.

I started pointing out these "movements" to other people, to see what they thought. My husband, Lance, wasn't concerned, because he had seen this before. As a child, he did this too. He took out some old home videos of himself, and we watched them together. Sure enough, Lance was making similar movements to Caleb. We talked to Lance's parents, and they said they took Lance to the doctor for this when he was little. The doctor told them it was just a habit, and he would, eventually, grow out of it. This is when I decided to look into this more. It seemed strange that a son would be doing the exact same thing as his father did as a child. 

Many things came to mind during my research, but the one thing that kept sticking was tourettes. 

Gilles de la Tourette syndrome (Tourette Syndrome or TS) is a neurological disorder which becomes evident in early childhood or adolescence. The first symptoms usually are involuntary movements (tics) of the face, arms, limbs or trunk.  These tics are frequent, repetitive and rapid.  The most common first symptom is a facial tic (eye blink, nose twitch, grimace), and is replaced or added to by other tics of the neck, trunk, and limbs. (http://www.tsa-usa.org/Medical/whatists.html)

Caleb was exhibiting all of the early signs of TS. On top of that, TS has been found to be hereditary. This fact sealed the deal for me. It was then, I decided to take him to the doctor. 

Our doctor agreed that it could be tics, but we would need to take him to a specialist to be certain. At the specialist, we learned there was no "test" to determine if an individual had TS or not. They base their diagnosis from a few different factors.

• have both multiple motor tics (for example, blinking or shrugging the shoulders) and vocal tics (for example, humming, clearing the throat, or yelling out a word or phrase), although they might not always happen at the same time.
  
  
• have had tics for at least a year. The tics can occur many times a day (usually in bouts) nearly every day, or off and on.
  
  
• have tics that begin before he or she is 18 years of age.
  
  
• have symptoms that are not due to taking medicine or other drugs or due to having another medical condition (for example, seizures, Huntington disease, or postviral encephalitis). (http://www.tsa-usa.org/Medical/whatists.html)

On top of these factors, the specialist observed Caleb's tics, listened to our stories, and took into account Lance's tics. She then confirmed, our belief, that Caleb does, in fact, have Tourettes Syndrome. She gave us the choice to put him on medication, or, if the tics weren't affecting his daily activities, just let it be. We decided to just let it be for now, and, if his TS became worse in the future, we would re-evaluate our decision.

My initial thoughts were of fear. Nobody wants to see their child suffer. I knew, from my research, that tics get worse toward adolescence. So, I knew we were only at the surface of his TS. It hurt my heart to know that he would have to suffer. That he will probably be laughed at. I was also afraid for the unknown. How severe would his tics become? Will this affect his future?

But, through all of this, something amazing was happening. My husband was finally, after many years of suffering, feeling relieved. He went through his whole life with Tourettes with no diagnosis. He didn't know why he couldn't control his movements. As a child, he was ashamed of himself. Now, he had an answer, and he felt free.

Lance and I had many discussions, after Caleb's initial diagnosis. What kind of life would he live? How would we handle his tics? How would we treat him? But, one of our main questions was...will this be a private, family matter or will we share this with the world? We had to first take into consideration how Caleb might feel as an adult. Would he be upset with us for telling people? We discussed this topic a lot. This is when I fell upon the TSA (Touretts Syndrome Association). It amazed me at the pride these people, who suffered with TS, had. They were advocates. I learned of many successful athletes, actors, politicians, etc., who suffered from Tourettes. But, they were not ashamed. They did not let TS hold them back. They prevailed. And I realized, this is what my hopes were for Caleb. I wanted him to know he was supported. He had a voice. He can be/do anything. And, the number one thing, we would never be ashamed of his Tourettes. 

Once we shared our story on Facebook, we were overwhelmed by all the support. But, we were, also, taken back. Some people thought we were doing the wrong thing. We shouldn't tell people. Now, people would look at Caleb differently. It hurt my heart to hear this. Yes, I understood where they were coming from. And, believe me, I had the same fears. But, there will come a time when Caleb will notice his tics. And, he will have questions. What about when kids begin to make fun of him? Will he know how to respond? Will he be proud? Will he be able to stick up for himself? I wanted him to know, at an early age, that Tourette's was a part of him. How God made him. And, we would never be ashamed of that.

It has now been a year since Caleb's diagnosis, and, honestly, not much has changed. Caleb lives a normal 4year old life. We call him our wild child, because he's always into mischief. But, he is also our lover. He has the sweetest heart, and lives for the opportunity to show his love for others. Lance and I always say...Caleb gives the best kisses.

Some days we are reminded of his tics. He started t-ball this year, and he is beyond ecstatic. But, excitement and anxiety exasperates his tics. It broke my heart to watch him on the field, standing at second base, tic-ing uncontrollably. But, I have to remind myself that he is ok, and he is having fun.

He is starting to notice his tics more too. I will catch him trying to hold his arm down, so it won't tic. Or, when he is having facial tics, he will run up to me and hug me. I just hold him and try to move his attention to something else. I know it won't be long before he begins asking us why he does these things. And, I am so happy he has his dad to relate to and look up to. His dad will know his suffering, and will be able to tell him stories about his own suffering.

We hope and pray that a cure will be found soon. But, until then, it is our mission to raise awareness for this disorder. And, also, debunk the myths that everyone, who has tourettes, shouts and says obscene things. 

I encourage those, who are interested, to visit our Team TSA page. We will be participating in the Disney 5K, 10K, and Half Marathon to raise money and awareness for the Tourette Syndrome Association.

Zoe Harper: A Birth Story (Part I)

I cannot believe it has been three short months, since I gave birth to my precious little girl. It seems crazy to say, but it feels like she's always been here. Like in a strange way, she has been a part of our family from day one. It's hard to formulate into words how she has balanced us out, but our family just feels whole.

As of recently, her birth is starting to become a distant memory for me, as we are starting to get back into our routines. Before it's a complete blur, I wanted to make sure I documented it. Hopefully, Zoe will read this story, one day, and realize how much I fought for her physically, emotionally, and spiritually...how much I loved her and tried my best to cherish every part of her. 

A little disclaimer before I begin...

I will be writing everything down as I remember it. So, my storytelling, grammar, etc. may not be the best. This is more of a free writing journal entry. So, please take it as such. Also, picture quality will be very poor. As you will soon discover, Zoe's birth was somewhat traumatic, and the last thing on our minds was taking a picture.

With that said, I hope you enjoy our story...

Zoe was born on her due date, November 11, 2014. She let out one big cry, then opened her eyes to this big, new world. It was almost like she realized she was home, and began to look at everything. They laid her, immediately, on my chest, where she stayed for a good hour. She never fell asleep. She just looked around with a look on her face that said...I know these people, this is my home.  

The moment I became pregnant with Zoe, I knew it. I guess after 2 kids, you immediately know that shift in your body. I took a test, and sure enough, it was positive. I was unsure of my feelings at that time for so many reasons. Yes, in my heart, I wanted another baby. But, I was scared. I know...crazy, right? I was in my last semester of college...only a few short months before I walked that stage and received my degree. Something I've worked over 10 years for. (yes, I said 10 years) And, I knew how my other pregnancies went. (Severe morning sickness, fatigue, and hospitalizations) I did not want this to affect me walking across that stage, and I was determined it wouldn't.

Sure enough, morning sickness and fatigue, hit me like a ton of bricks. And, by far, this was the worse I ever experienced. I was rushed to the emergency room multiple times, until I was eventually hospitalized. It was devastating. In all honesty, part of me wanted to die. But, I couldn't. I had to fight. Jude would come to the hospital and pray the most fervent prayers over me. I could see in his eyes his desperation. He wanted me to get better. He needed me. I couldn't give up. 

I was in the hospital for a month, and could not wait for the day I could go home. I was released one week before my senior exam. So, when most people had the entire semester to study, I had one week. It was crunch time. I still was not 100%, but I would not let that hold me back. I took the exam, and cried, afterwards, because I knew I failed. My graduation dreams were over. Lance told me not to lose hope. He knew how hard I tried, and had faith in me. The day I got the call from my professor, I knew it was going to be sad news. I prepared myself for the blow. The call went like this... 

Hi, Jenna. Hi, professor. Well, I have your results for the senior exam...insert the longest pause of my life here...and, you passed. WHAT?!!...yes, you passed. Your score is A-. What?!! Congratulations, Jenna. See you at graduation.

That phone call goes in the record book for, probably, one of the best phone calls of my life. It just shows you, that you can never give up on yourself or your dream (even when all odds are against you).

Side note...my husband was absolutely superb through my pregnancy. There is no way I would have survived without him. He was forced to take on the role of single, working dad. And, honestly, he was amazing at it. I could not have asked for a better partner.

The day Zoe was born was probably the absolute worse day for me to go into labor. In fact, Lance said...you can go into labor any day, except, November 12. He was called to a job that day to work on a tv show...something he could not back out of. He told me, if I went into labor that day, he would most likely not make it to the hospital in time. So, the week before, I did everything to try to go into labor. everything. But, Zoe wasn't havin' it. She wasn't ready.

On November 11 (my due date), the day before Lance's big job, I had a doctor's appointment. The Dr said I was 2cm dilated, which wasn't much change from the last appt, but my cervix was getting soft, and the baby's head had dropped. He predicted I would deliver within the next week. I told him, as long as I don't go into labor tonight, I'm good. He laughed, and we went on our merry way.

Lance was working that night at his other job (closer to home), so we went about our normal routine. picked up the kids from school, Lance went to work, made dinner, cleaned the house. That night ,around 7pm, I started having mild contractions around 10 min apart. I did not think anything of it, because this had been happening the past few days, toward the evening time. I laid in the bed, and put my feet up to see if the contractions would go away. They weren't too unbearable, because I was able to distract myself while watching tv. Well, right before it was bed time for the boys, around 8pm, Jude kept complaining that he was still hungry. I told him I would make him a pb&j, but then we would need to start getting ready for bed. I got up to make him his sandwich, and that's when things started getting serious. The contractions started getting stronger, but were still about 10 minutes apart. I called Lance and told him I was having pretty painful contractions, and I would let him know if he would need to come home early. Two things were happening at this point...1) I was in complete denial about being in labor. This was the one day I did not want to go in labor. And, here it was, happening. 2) I am notorious for extremely long labors. So, if I was in labor, I was in no rush to get to a hospital. 

I put the boys to bed, then went to lay down and watch more tv. Instead of things smoothing out, they started to get worse. I called Lance again and told him to come home, just in case. After Lance got home, we sat on the couch and debated whether we should go in. Between contractions, I would tell him no. During contractions, I would tell him yes. Finally, Lance said I needed make up my mind, because he had to be on set at 7am the next day. (It was already 10p)I was so upset. At this point, I knew it was labor, and Lance would most likely miss the birth. Hesitantly, I told him let's go. Lance loaded the kids and our bags in the car. Contractions were getting so intense, that I could barely walk. They were still about 7 minutes apart, but so painful. The drive to the hospital was a blur. I remember dropping the kids off, but don't remember much after that. It takes about 30 minutes to get to the hospital. All I remember is moaning and praying that we would make it. I never felt contractions so intense. They were coming more rapidly. All I could think was, as soon as I get to the hospital, I can get an epidural. It was midnight...

to be continued...

click play to see our beautiful baby girl moving around in my tummy